Yvgeny and I Just Can't

Yvgeny Plushenko and I both came so close.  He had two skates left.  I had one day before vacation.  We got through the long, hard slog, but we just couldn't.

His downfall

I couldn't get out of my driveway.  Many ins-and-outs of the car later, I'm on the road, which is blocked by an abandoned van, flashers on.  Manage to get around the van, and my in-law's one-way street is blocked off by cops and and flares.  So, I go down side streets, where another van is stuck on an incline.  No one can get past.  Ditch the car in a snowbank and walk Tootie Pie to in-laws.  Now, of course, I am stuck in the snowbank, more ins-and-outs, and get the car moving, but there's not enough space on the road and I must stop to let oncoming traffic pass, and, wouldn't you know it, I get stuck.  Turn around, drive off, only to get diverted again by cops in the wrong direction from work. 


My obstacle to overcome

Has there ever been a clearer sign from God?  I am completely convinced that something bad was going to happen if I went in to work.  Last year, on this day, Tootie Pie had a dental emergency.  Today, I was dressed in my pink, I only had to survive seven hours, and I just could not do it.  I really want my DeBlasio vote back, let me tell you.  Was there a Libertarian or Green Party candidate that I should have known about, because this guy is bungling the snow major-bigtime. 

Strangers, Again?

Since I did not marry until I was 38, I've had my share of relationships.  Some of my exes I look back upon fondly, and others I do not.  When I was analyzing my former loves, I just recently noticed that, for the most part, those that I broke up with are the men I recall warmly, and the ones that dumped me make me sick.  When I break up the relationship, do I feel sorry for the poor sod?  When I am the blindsided person, do I harbor resentment and channel it into finding fault with him to the point that I cannot stomach the thought of him? 

Did I really look at him like this?  I must have.

I'm pondering these things because I am breaking up with my husband; he does not want us to part.  It sucks to be abandoned; I get that.  I am in the contemplative stage of the divorce/separation, and I'm analyzing what I want to accomplish, besides not living with him anymore.  Perhaps I am trying to recapture some of the fondness I felt for him.  The love I had for him is so far in the past, and so eclipsed by the disdain that we both now feel for eachother, that I can't imagine that I ever felt it.  If we break the cycle of petty hatred, could I ever again see him as I once did?  Could I pick through the hostility, the slights and the bitterness and keep the good memories?  I don't know.

It happens.

One thing that destroyed the marriage is being taken for granted, and this is what made me think of the guys who dumped me.  My husband can be gracious and charming, and he was when we first met.  This was the man I married.  This man still shows himself, but never to me; the beneficiary of his charms are people that he just met.  The hopeful part of me wants for us to become strangers again, so that I can see the man I loved once again.  But, the rational side of me knows that this will not happen, firstly because we will always need to communicate because we share a child, and also because he will certainly never look back at me fondly.  Once you hate someone, is it impossible to like them again?  Just like you can't unhit an iceberg, neither can you become unfamiliar once you've married.  Any divorces out there?  What's the best you can hope for?

Come back! Come back!

Where have I been?  Let me see...how to put it? 

There was a little movie around fifteen years ago that told the story of a little known voyage made on a ship called the Titanic.  Probably you've heard of it.  The Titanic hits an iceberg, and the iceberg tears a whole into the side of the ship.  The lookout wants to know "Why won't you turn?", but the ship was too big to turn quickly.  Well, this is what is happening to me.  I can't turn this boat.  I've hit the iceberg.  I'm angry and incredulous that the thing won't turn.  And, the ship is going down.

I think his line was "Arggggggghhhhhhhhh!"

The Titanic is my marriage.  The iceberg, well, it is many things that I won't enumerate here, but I will label it "petty indignaties", "lack of appreciation", and downright "disdain".  I've been trying to "unhit" an iceberg.  It's tragic, because the Titanic was a beautiful ship, full of promise, adventure and comfort.  Now it's a cautionary tale about pride and stupidity.

So, where have I been?  I've been on the ship, clinging to it desperately as it was sucked into the sea.  And its wake pulled me under, scared and flailing.  Now, miraculously, I've emerged from the depths, and although the immediate fear of drowning is behind me, I face the prospect of a drawn-out death, shivering and freezing in the Artic waters.  But, I will profess my hopes before I go. 


Handcuffed to a sinking ship.  Yep, that's me.

There is a young lady in this story.  I have put a life jacket on her, and I ensured she has a place on a small piece of flotsam.  She will shiver, too, and her hair will be a crystalline crown.  I wish I could do more for her, but this is the best I can do in the circumstances.  And, I know her future will be bright, because Leonardo DiCaprio said so.


Exposure has never looked so beautiful

Jack: I promise, you're going to get out of here, you're going to go on and you're going to make lots of babies and you're going to watch them grow. You're going to die an old, an old lady, warm in her bed, not here, not this night, not like this, do you understand me?  Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you and I'm thankful for that Rose, I'm thankful. You must, you must, you must.. do me this honor, you must promise me that you will survive, that you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now Rose and never let go of that promise.

Tootie Pie is my ticket.  I am so thankful for her.  The Titanic, at least the Titanic in the movie, had a raison d'etre, and that was so that Rose could free herself from her bummer of a fiance, and live a happy life.  I will get her through this.  I will probably make mistakes, but it will be something that will make me stronger, and eventually will afford me a fresh start on life.  A life with a past tragedy, but one that can still be full and rich.