Thursday, November 15, 2012

Advice New and Expecting Parents Will Actually Use

Babies are adorable! 
Congratulations!   But....
Congratulations!  You are about to become a parent!  If you have just learned you are about to have a child, or if you have recently had a child, I am sure you are boning up on diaper options, sleeping tips, and nipple types.  All that is important, but there is some advice that is less well known, but possibly even more crucial.  Why does no one tell you these things?  It's possible because there isn't a dollar to be earned, but it's invaluable.  Here is advice you will need if you are considering parenthood.

Do not buy stickers.  Ever.  Sure, some experts tell you stickers are a great motivator for potty training.  That's just not true.  Potty training will happen when your child is good and ready, and no amount of stickers will move up that date.  But, what they won't tell you is that kids and stickers is one of the worst combinations invented.  You will need a good solvent, and flat-edged razor.  When you want to wear your favorite blouse, you will realize that it went through the wash with a sticker on it and it will now require 45 minutes to an hour of rubbing to remove it, after which, the blouse will be stretched in just that one spot.  Stickers will be placed everywhere, except on paper.  The best way to remove a sticker is slooooooowly.  Better yet, do not let a sticker cross the threshold of your home.

When you moms-to-be moan about how often you have to pee, let me counter that complaint with your post-baby bathroom experiences: at least you get to pee in peace.  Your self-interested child will take every opportunity to not allow a shred of privacy: either she will conveniently have to go the very moment she sees you heading for the bathroom, or she will talk through the door at you, ask for help, or even push things underneath the door.

I'm not sure what's better about Formula 409 than, say, Formula 216 or Formula 155, but you might as well get the oil drum size now.  That, and learn to love a sponge.  You might consider having one permanently attached to your hand now.

Fun toothpaste flavors such as Blue Sparkle or Pink Bubble gum are good for enticing kids to brush, but get bathroom towels that match these dayglo colors, or you'll be doing a wash after every brushing. 
You can thank me later.  Buy one
of everything.

See that loooooong aisle of pediatric medicine?  Get one of each.  Don't understand the value of a Nose Frida?  Can't make out what you do with a Savi Baby Medibottle?  It doesn't matter, just buy it now and figure it out later.  Teething gel, Desitin, Chloraseptic, you will never need them at noon on a Saturday.  Buying everything now will save you many an ungodly early morning run to the one pharmacy open at that hour.  While you're at it, you might as well get one of all of the adult elixirs, as well, since kids don't cover their mouths, and they do stick their fingers into their noses and wipe it on the nearest surface.  Hence, the 409 advice above.

If you have any expensive lipsticks, for an accurate simulation of having a child, smoosh your pinky finger into it.  Then, find a rug, bed linen, or silk outfit that you cherish, and wipe your finger aaaaaaaaaaallllllll over it.  Then, grab a nail polish and paint it on your favorite piece of furniture or kitchen surface.  Now you have an idea of what parenthood is like.

It's amazing we love them at all,
considering how disgusting they
And finally, when buying cute blankies, adorable crib sheets, and soft fluffy rugs, just remember this: they will be crusted over with milk regurgitation, vomit, poo and pee.  Better to just buy the unattractive 100% polyester, plastic covered stuff and you won't have to worry about how to clean Aunt Emma's hand knitted angora chenille afghan.

You're welcome.


  1. So true, Linda!!!!! What a great post! Damn those stickers. I HATE THEM!



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