Saturday, November 11, 2023

Does Getting What You Want Make You Happier?

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chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://www.eride.ri.gov/SBA/analysis/school/Smithfield_William_Winsor_School%20-%20FCA_Detail.pdf
This gym/cafeteria was subterranean? There was a bump out that is not pictured to the right where the kitchen was, and the milk coolers were where the 2 yellow tables are.

I always thought things would have turned out better if, at one critical juncture in time, my family had zigged instead of zagged. I never really had the ability to know this to be true, I just assumed this from age 11 until just recently. Now, come to find out, maybe not...

See, I grew up in a fairy tale. Or in a Laura Ingalls Wilder novel. With wishing wells and water wheels and orchards and bobwhites. And then, I moved. To Cleveland. Ohio. In 1979. Body hair. Body odor. Lots of stuff happening with the body. And, simultaneously, moody. This must be Cleveland's fault! So, Cleveland was thrown under the bus pretty quickly. But, there was a rural quality to where I lived, and some amenities, and it had an amazing amusement park just nearby. I mean, we saw license plates from MICHIGAN there in Cedar Point! MICHIGAN!

Fast forward one year. I get a 12th birthday card from someone in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Mom, do I know anyone in Grand Rapids, Michigan? Yes, Lin, your dad. Oh, huh... I guess I'll put it on the pile...

Now, fast forward a number of decades. My mother is sick and dying in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I am there for her last breath. A year later, I am back in the fairy tale, back in Walnut Grove. I am being taken over by my mother, completely. I can feel her entering my body and mind in the forest with the birds. I am healing.

My fairy tale had some scary elements that I glossed over. I made a scene in 3rd grade on the bus, and I have been fearing my anger ever since. That set me on a course of regret and mistakes that would take a lifetime to overcome. But, I had many models. First was Mom. And the second was Laura Ingalls.

There is a fine line, it turns out, between historic nostalgia, and, we need to be careful to not gloss over this, indoctrinating anachronisms. So, I thought my elementary was "homey colonial", which is true. It is also true that it is not well maintained.

Four-square behind them authentic from my era, at least

I think there used to be a mosaic here, past the library and the 6th grade classroom. Pied piper?

Those closets used to have doors and you would hide in there during games.

The sink where my BFF and I filled our mouths with water and then tried to talk.

Those stall door supports were just within reach if you stepped onto the toilets.
Flooring from at least my era. Probably 1930s.

Drainpipe now cordoned off, and I think it was then, too. But...

Hopscotch now painted instead of carved with a slate stone.

Okay, if there were hundreds of children outside nearly killing themselves, you probably wouldn't notice me at the top half of this drainpipe for a while, either

These were the first grade classrooms with a view towards the kindergarten?

A great wall to play rattlesnake on.

Right side of building.

This must be the kindergarten room. Bathroom door was thick oak. I sat at the table behind the cardboard. Other door went to 1st? Closet?

So, that hill with the orange cones and chain link fence? I'd pick up speed there and crash into the parked bus.

The view if you were leaving on the bus.

The gym? No idea.


In my day, those balls were made of actual, red rubber and were none too soft!

I ended up in a faraway land, pre-internet, pre-social media, back when we had to either write letters or make toll calls. I returned here exactly once, in between Cleveland and Grand Rapids. I felt I no longer belonged there and that I had abandoned my friends. We had all moved on in one short year. I had changed; they were still the same. My elementary school and my friends were stuck in time...

Then, my cousin took me back in the late 90s. She did a news report on a Christmas tree farm. I don't remember how we got there, we must have gone in backwards or something, but there I was, looking at the giant Christmas tree that we planted as a seedling. And then, finally, once again this year, Christmas tree now gone, key neighbors still there?!?! The house is renumbered. I met the owner, who was a young mother. I told her we used to keep baby birds and tadpoles in teacups in her garage. She humored me. Then, I moved on.

And now, I am reconnecting with people from those bicentennial days! And, you know what? Puberty was not Cleveland's fault. Finding one's way through life is hard, whether you stay in one place or move all around. Moodiness is not on Grand Rapids. It was just a convenient scapegoat.

I had a great childhood and I was very impressive as a girl. And things went down the way they did. I accept that now. It helped make me who I am, and I am quite impressive!

Friday, November 10, 2023

Easy Ugly Sweater Tutorial - 3D Moose Wearing Glasses

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Let's try something different today and make a post ahead of time. Let's plan for the holidays. Ugly sweater day. You know it's right around the corner. Well, here's an idea:

Why not make a Moose Shirt! With over-extended antlers, and plushy, 3D features such as giant googly eyes, soft pompom nose, and antler base bling! 

So, to create this ridiculous look, you will need:

  • Brown fabric paint/pink sparkle ears
  • Red pompom
  • Stiff brown and green felt
  • Tongue depressors or other wide, long flat wooden thing for antler support
  • Giant googly eyes
  • Fabric glue
  • Random matching headband as inspo

You know what to do! Let's get to it!

The Criminals Are the Ones Going After Teachers

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Once upon a time, it was a given that if you were at all capable of teaching, you received your one satisfactory observation each year, ending the year with an ever so carefree, satisfactory overall for the year. But then, someone said, wait, if so many schools are failing and yet every teacher or nearly so is satisfactory, well, that doesn't compute. Never mind free-will and oppositional defiance common to teens and ever-deteriorating influences! No! There was ONE study ONE TIME, never replicated, that showed a relation between teacher effectiveness and student achievement. It's the teachers' fault!

So, it’s the teachers that bear the onus of turning an educational corner while guiding students and parents from every corner of the planet, most experiencing turmoil in one way or another, while negotiating a new observation system that balances teaching to a rubric with high-stakes testing data. If you add an administrator breathing down your neck, exploiting every opportunity to deduct points from your rating and gives you zero credit for what you are doing, and, yeah, party’s over.


Technical jargon portion: The rating system that the "Great Thinkers" of government decided upon, currently has a matrix to determine what rating a teacher would get based on their observations, now known as "Measures of Teacher Practice" or "MOTP", and students' scores, now known as "Measures of Student Learning". Boy, do I want the job of naming these things! Someone has that job! Notice that it is possible to get a MOTP rating of "Ineffective" and a MOSL score of "Highly Effective". Yes, that is a possibility that the Great Thinkers anticipated! But, that means that students scored well on the state test in their ineffective teacher's subject. How can a teacher be teaching at an ineffective or developing level but her students show growth? Someone please explain this!
But, that never happens, right? Well, no, it does. I know of what I speak. And, it happens year after year after year. I know this, too.

So, either the determination of the MOSL is defective, or the assessment of teaching is. But, no matter how byzantine and secretively the MOSL is calculated, one thing you can say:
it is numbers in a formula that is empirical and non-manipulatable.

Now, it is this same observation system that came out in 2014 and was immediately met with practical questions, like, how do teachers that teach gym, the arts, specialized classes, etc, get a measure of student learning. The answer was, we'll test the students. The next year, they stopped using the MOSL entirely, and then the following year, rather than test each subject to tie the MOSL to each teacher, teachers were now to chose a test they'd like to use, instead. Teachers could choose a certain demographic in their school and a test that is given by the state. This means that a senior journalism teacher could select the 6th grade SWD math test if she taught in a 6-12 school. Kind of a mess, but you're still with me?

Now let's talk about the MOTP. This was first implemented, in 2014, based on the 20 component, 4 domain Danielson rubric. The very next year, it was streamlined to 8 components in 4 domains. Those teachers who still have groups that take the state test (basically ELA and Math teachers in grades 3-8, and science in 4th and 8th), received advisory scores, as well, using their students' growth, as in 2014. Student surveys were supposed to be included in the ratings, but that never happened, although school's did pilot giving the surveys.

In other words, they rolled out a new system without a great deal of feedback or forethought, and have been patching it ever since. But, still, there are problems integral to it.

Somehow, the geniuses in District 24, at the time, all math masters, had my MOTP on the decline, while my MOSL was climbing. How? Well, that is a story for another day. Strap in, baby cakes, I'm about to explain why.

New Bedroom Rug

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I love the size, I love the colors, I love 
the ocean theme.

It has sparkle!
And my final coup de ville for the bedroom, the rug refresh. So, it is a poorly advertised fact that I like to take trash to treasure. And, so, now Manhattan is coming to Queens, and Queens trash is pretty bougie recently. Take last Thursday, for example. I scored a rolling tri-level cart for Tootie Pie's room, and what looked to be a knock-off Claire Murray! With shimmer. Into the car they went. Too late, yet again, to claim the crystal lamp, alas! 

Now, after lugging and unfolding, we discover why this gem was cast aside. A cat added texture, let's say... So now I need to decide between 3 options:

1) Leave as is because it will be under bed

2) Get crochet hook and start pulling from the back

3) Cut flush on front and hope for best?

Which option seems the most worthwhile? 

So, what on earth was this beauty doing
in the trash? Well, there's this...

Thursday, November 2, 2023

How to Exterminate the Y-chromosome or Why We Need Science Education

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Not recommended

Here is a poorly advertised fact: Women have the technology to wipe out the Y-chromosome. Uh-huh, yes. You see, when a sperm meets an egg, well, sometimes that sperm is X, male, and sometimes Y, female. The male ones get off to an early lead, but then they wear out, and women start to catch up to the point that it's a photo finish every time! Henry VIII really was very misguided; males determine the gender of offspring, currently. Unless... There is no more 50/50 even split any longer. Meaning, we take one woman's egg, and another woman's egg, put them together and each time, you get XX, female. So, It's within the realm of possibility. It's an option. I guess men could technically merge two sperm to get a supermale, but where will they incubate him? That tech isn't invented yet. So, knowing that, I have a few suggestions for improving the gender equality in language. Let's start with pussy, k? Pussy means weak, girly, effeminate. Balls means tough, rugged, manly. But, can we analyze these terms? Which one is stronger, a tiny canal that can accommodate a major cruise ship, or something so tender that they invented the jock strap before the helmet, people? Way before. So, from now on, when someone takes a risk, we're going to say "Wow, she's got a vagina!", and when someone cowers in fear, they are being a fucking ball. Just one, lopsided ball. What do we think? So, men, watch yourselves! Better put some research into that human incubator, and, bonus, we can do away with childbirth! And, honey, think!
So undainty!

Now, how to avoid this? Because, Lord knows we don't want to eradicate the word CONSENT from our language, nevermind the forever useless NON-CONSENT. Really, like you need to be explicitly told that you explicit consent? Really? Because we can avoid taking such drastic measures, but there are a few rules we need to abide by:

Rule #1 - abolish the term "pussy" to indicate weak or inferior. The new word is "ball" or "ballsac". See above

Rule #2 - Equal pay. NOW!

Rule #3 - Hands off my body. If a life cannot be sustained without a womb, then it isn't a life, is it?

Any more things to add, dear readers?

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

Night Side Table Refurbish

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Tootie Pie's Gloucester, England, handmade, stained glass sunrise. Handmade by Tootie Pie. Obviously, still some wood gluing and paint matching still on to-do list.

I get to walk around my neighborhood now, and of course, there is much to discover. Like, this cute little black wall table that has inlaid mother-of-pearl and hand-painted detailing. 


Pretty dirty when I first found her. But, to find such beauty tossed casually aside! So I washed it off with soap and water and looked like this when it dried. 


What I think happened is those small, hand-painted flowers smeared across the surface? So, after taking off the support, I took out the trusty bottle of TSP, and then it looked like this:

Now we're starting to see potential. Now to add gloss. First, a nice rub down with wood oil, then linseed. 

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

Boo! Another Halloween costume! 2023 Version of Melody Ellis, American Girl

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Happy Halloween! OMG, tomorrow/today's going to be long if we need to get candy after school and ballet but before too late. Okay, so, this year's theme is Melody Ellis, the 1960s American Doll. Here she is:

Okay, so, now, we got the eyewear  (not shown) just right, missed the colors a bit, and never figured out a purse. But, she will have something to hold.

Front after handpainting coat #45...

We strayed away from the bows (there is ONE at the collar now), and filled in with cheap bling to detract from the uneven application of 4 coats of paint. Next to shoes, looking like a headstone, is an album (not to size).

So, are you ready? Album front visible here. Glasses are spot on. Socks are on point. Shoes patented but not yet blinged. We sorted the hat to look less Carol Burnett and more 60s after the photo: pulled it way down. Still refusing the upflip-do. Should I spray down her hair with water and set it in rollers for the a.m.? Child abuse, you say? I will get an up-ending, you say? Kay.

Fully worn without jewels on shoes. Red, white and blue button worn, but not poppin! Too much going on with this print, but the album cover looks tropical, so she's on theme...

I guess I never got a picture of the dress before I added green. Bonus project underneath, because now I need to paint the back!

Here's the mock-up copy of her brothers' new album. Working out the colors. She is delivering it to Barry himself. They've known each other almost her whole life. (okay, I'm really deviating from the story now).


Back has pointers on messed up coloration on album cover and an address. All in my stroke-afflicted attempt at 1960s handwriting. I think that's a fail. Should the cover be bi- or tri-colored plus black? Add a border or leave edges free? Groove Records obviously a placeholder for an actual label. I think Motown will want the top half, and they've already put them there. Might swap colors there. Too much emphasis on the label.
Bling about 50% visible in this photo. It is now physically impossible to stand far enough back from Tootie Pie indoors to take a complete body shot.

Okay, so do you know how hard it is to find a houndstooth mod dress in shades of turquoise, green and yellow, maybe? Well, I never encountered one, and I live in thrift shoppers utopia. Anyhow, with the button and shades, I probably should have gone with turquoise for the shoes and I could have figured something out better for the hat. Well, that didn't happen and the shoes are popping! IMHO. Good night, and Happy Halloween!


Sunday, October 29, 2023

Surviving a 3020a - There are no Downsides! New to the Teaching Profession? Read This!

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Throughout my years in the school system of New York City, I have listened to the adage that the elders are wise. I listened to them, those older teachers, and of the future they foretold, and I heeded the lessons they shared. If you have been served with 3020a papers and you are flabbergasted: your job is immensely harder. Since I WAS prepared, years in advance, I documented EVERYTHING, and the administration were as much amateurs at lying as at having a clue about teacher effectiveness. There are some helpful tips even if you are just learning of the smear campaign (specifically, the section on "preponderance of evidence"), but the best defense is a long trail of evidence. Never let a verbal agreement go undocumented in writing. Your new best friend is, "per our conversation" and, "Please advise if anything I have documented is incorrect or disputed".

The good news is that most administrations expect a rote process and are taking the path of least resistance. You CAN win if you are willing to put in the work.

Preponderance of Evidence - Your New Full-Time Job

First of all, the 3020-a is a "preponderance of evidence" hearing. I am not a lawyer, and nothing that I post should ever be seen as a replacement for valid legal advice, but, from a layperson's understanding, this means that whoever has the most evidence, wins. So, you need to document everything. My state is a single-party state, meaning it is legal to audio record with only one (as opposed to all) party's knowledge. Obviously, this, again, is not legal advice, but in my case, that information could have been crucial. I asked the administrators' directly if I was being targeted, and that I felt targeted, and countered every argument to no avail, all on tape. Still got 'em, in fact. 

There will be charges brought. Read through them. In my service of 3020a papers, I was referred to as "Jane Doe", without it having established my actual name (like a form letter). Incompetence on the DOE's part is a good omen; already they're showing the lack of attention that you will exploit. Write down everything you remember about each event listed. Think of names of students, paraprofessionals, parents, etc, that could contradict these charges. Specificity matters, but if you can't come up with a name, write down as many clues as possible. For example, I built an offensive case, as a backup, and gathered intel as I received it. Having all potential "witnesses" in one central file helped me piece together dirt. In some cases, the information was as vague as 'Joe, lives in Long Island, talk to Jennifer about him", but as I gathered more information, it became a rolodex of phone numbers and email addresses. This, in my case, has so-far proven to not be germane, but it was therapeutic during the beginning phase when I was still in a state of limbo. Go through old emails, searching for the administrators that are involved. This will remind you of events in the past, as well as provide crucial evidence, as it did me. An administrator had written in her personal log, presented as proof at my hearing, that I was absent for a TIP meeting, but I found an old email where I contacted her on the date in question asking her whereabouts, meaning I was at the meeting but she wasn't. The more educated you become about the case, the better.

I kept my evidence stored on a cloud drive, but I also kept hard copies in a binder for the hearing. Get organized and stay organized. I had kept a harassment log that included links to email communication or photographic evidence. I kept a rebuttal document with each charge, and each point refuted with proof. In many cases, the evidence was the administrator's own words. For example, she would write that "Many questions were low-level and could be answered in only one way", but her evidence was contradictory: "You asked why is the denominator 1" or "Is there another way to do this". Another common problem was vague comments. One of my favorites was "lesson lagged or was rushed", which besides not being helpful, was also pulled from a data bank of possible characteristics of "ineffective", which indicated that she worked from "ineffective" backwards, looking up things to write on my observation reports on the internet. Yes, I googled some of this genius' favorite phrases. She neglected to read the data bank, unfortunately, because if she had, she may have seen the disclaimer that the ideas were not meant as replacement for true, low-inference evidence, but rather as a training tool. It is tricky to implement changes if the problem is not identified! Some of the evidence she used to justify an ineffective rating was used as an example of effective rating on the Danielson rubric. Please re-read that sentence, because I'm sure you need to. I also noted patterns in the assistant principal's comments, and at one point she obviously started from a previously completed observation rather than a blank form, because she forgot to change the lesson's objective. She thought I wouldn't pick up on her alternating identical observation reports with different dates and objectives. We're not dealing with masterminds, here. When asked about it, she lied, and we exploited that to the utmost! She would note that I didn't identify pre-requisites or didn't have high order questions, and I rebutted it with the lesson plan that I sent via email after the observation. It is tiny things like this that collectively will win your case. Remember, they've been half-assing this. They want to tick the boxes and say that they followed protocol. It is your job to point out that they didn't.

The Lawyer - Find Your Team

I think a fallacy held among non-legal population that a lawyer will take care of everything. This is your case, and the lawyer can only use what you bring to the table. You will need to do work. In my case, I kept the names of those elders who had 3020-a charges before me in my rolodex, my lawyershe was able to look up the transcripts and come up with possible strategies. For example, one of my former coworkers argued that the observations were completed by only one administrator, which the hearing officer noted in the decision as a reason for the favorable decision. We used this strategy, too. It will help the lawyer get a feel for who he or she will be dealing with. We discussed our message and how to best present this message. In my case, the message was that I was a decent teacher, not perfect, that tried her best, but couldn't overcome the administration's bias against me. And the important thing was that it was true, and I wholeheartedly believed this. The other obvious pattern that was found in the previous teachers' cases was, of course, they were all experienced (read: well-paid).

If there is a change in your representation, make sure that the new lawyer has read the entire file. As a cautionary tale, this happened to the DOE's case, and the new lawyer didn't verify that the observations included in the charges were ALL of the observations, which they weren't. The DOE did not include certain, more positive, observations, and there must have been a reason, but in the hand-off, there was a lack of communication and the incoming lawyer assumed the charged observations must have included every observation, and the look on his face when we entered the uncharged observations made the process almost bearable. Lawyers can only do so much. You have to make your own luck.

Do not feel as if you must do as if your lawyer is telling you. They can advise, but the ultimate decision about your case should be done by you. If your lawyer is trying to coerce you, make your chapter leader and district representative aware. In my case, I wanted to follow the tact of the state law that requires districts to first have a board or PEP vote on whether to pursue a 3020-a, which NYC decided, "nah", and it's just always been this way. There was a decision in Staten Island by Judge Desmond Green, regarding this 2590 state law. I wanted my lawyer's opinion on this, and rather than face the issue directly, it seemed to me that she was offended that I was asking. I also sought counsel outside of the UFT, from teachers who'd been through the process, speaking with private attorneys and friends I had made who were involved in activism in the union and the like. I have always made it my business to cultivate the acquaintance of rabble-rousers. Perhaps that is why I was singled out, but I have quite a few theories. The good people will only be too willing to help. They are a good sounding board for your ideas. Talk it out as much as you need to with people from various perspectives. Obviously, you need to choose these people wisely. You can use confidants that you know are turncoats to your advantage, as I did, to convey certain information to the administration. If you need devious tricks, ask them for it!

My lawyer also believed in the beginning that I had made a tactical error in allow the administration to video tape a lesson. Every year, I opted for this, and longed for proof that either they were, or I was, crazy. I was pretty adamant that it was a good thing, and it ended up being key in my case. Finally, it wasn't my word versus hers. If you are still in the classroom and still being observed, I would consider (talk with a lawyer) audio taping your instruction, but this is tricky legal territory. Not only did the video(s) debunk the claims on the observation form, but when asked about a specific incident that didn't appear on the tape, my principal again decided to lie, and said that there was a break in the tape and the incident must have occurred during the time where she "turned off the camera", and even, that "you could see I was getting tired [of videotaping]". That came back to haunt the principal and the videographer (the observing supervisor) because if she had indeed gotten tired and stopped videoing and then restarted, the result would have left the second video with the same date stamp as the first, but a slightly later start time. But, this was not the case; the second video had a date some weeks later, and ironically, it was the date that the observation report was written. It was a simple matter of noting that the videos were obviously from the same lesson (everyone was wearing the same thing in both videos), and the reason the date stamp on the second video was different was because she edited the one video she took and took out a portion, and saved the end portion as the second video.  Arcane stuff, but crucial.

Despite our differences, my legal representative and I had a very good working relationship in the end. Understand your lawyer's role, and understand that it is your job and right to make sure they are doing it to your standards.

Strategy - Stay Cool, You Got This

You've decided on the narrative, and you've looked for evidence that supports this narrative. Now, regardless of your strategy, you must look helpful and willing to improve. I had a right to be angry; administration was unfairly targeting me and it made my life a living hell. But, the hearing is not the forum for venom. You are an educator, and that is a career that no one chooses lightly. Showing that person, the one who loves children, is tantamount. Also, the best narrative is one that isn't completely one-sided; my lawyer told me that one. There are always three versions of a story and the arbitrator knows the truth lies in the middle somewhere. If both sides are diametric opposites, it is difficult to see what actually happened, so tell the officer the truth. If some of the charges are based in fact, say so. On such and such day, yeah, I was having an off day or a made a bad judgement call or whatever. In my situation, the few specific, low-inference comments she wrote were factual. I framed the events as rare occurrences that I dealt with and learned from.


In the end, my lawyer convinced me to stay high, and let them wallow down below. I didn't take the offensive as a strategy, as much as I wanted to. I told myself I would do that later if I needed to, if there was a negative decision in the case, and I needed to take it to federal court. My counsel got my administration to contradict each other, but most importantly, she got the observing AP to lash out briefly in anger. It looks very, very, very bad when a person cannot control their hatred and anger. Do not do this. Their lawyer will try to provoke you, so if you feel yourself getting heated, ask your lawyer to take a break. Staying level headed will be your biggest challenge. I was friendly and helpful to the point where I offered copies to opposing counsel in front of the arbitrator. Judges are human, and if they like you, they can't help but side with you. Educators put on shows every day, and your job now relies on this honed acting ability. Don't lose the faith. You got this.




Saturday, October 28, 2023

Easy Tutorial - Starburst Mirrors

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Picture is intentionally framed to show a peek of the beautiful hot pink silk saree I got a Goodwill Outlet (mmmmhhhhmmmm, you heard that right), where you buy BY THE POUND! Due to elaborate beading, it weighed 2 lbs! 

And, I think new to this blog, my Bjorn Winblaad print and matching starburst mirrors!

Yes, again. Starburst mirrors again. This time, they didn't match and many of the mirrors had long since disappeared. But, I might have paid $2 for a bag of 5. Spray paint on hand, tape on hand, tarp on hand, mirrors on hand. 

Tape protects what's left of the mirrors




Total cost: $2! 
Finished product on tarp, off-gassing

Maybe not so much a tutorial as, pictures, and, well, figure it out! Montana Black spray paint in Power Yellow. Mirrors: Michael's, years ago. 1 inch? No tag left. Makes them wonkier. I would have gone for gold, but I haven't had positive experiences with gold spray paint, and I wasn't painting spokes by hand in oil paint. Talk about a high!




Monday, October 23, 2023

Welcome Back, Dear Readers!

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Still living in Queens


Warning: many, long-saved, not posted, blogs are on-deck now. I am mostly home alone during the day, making phone calls (remember those?), getting costumes ready (it IS that time of year), getting to the bottom of the laundry (that trip to Bushwick didn't help in that department), etc. Very interesting stuff!

These posts aren't about costumes or cake. No. They're about the DOE. That might be a problem. Whatever. Buckle up, people. There's a lot of them.

In the meantime, I am looking up bathroom codes on my phone when studio women appear in the middle of your triangle of bathroom would-be enterers. And opens the door with the keypad on the handle. Editing videos of skating and the Nutcracker. Living life.

For those eager students out there, start by looking up the 3020a process. Charlotte Danielson. Michael Bloomberg. I'll stop...

So, be warned. I'll see about adding an unsubscribe button to the homepage.


Friday, October 20, 2023

Who Am I? A Rambling Attempt to Figure Out My Life.

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6/17/14 2:15 PM I had a minor meltdown at work today where I lost control at a student.  Nothing physical, but that sassy - no, rude - child received the full force of my anger.  I had a similar moment immediately after I returned to teaching after my stroke, and the scary thing about that craze was the instigating infraction was trivial compared to the diatribe it provoked.  I chalked that incident up to what, in essence, was my brain injury.  The thing about a stroke is that it changes you; the essence of who you are is your brain, and your brain is not the same after a stroke.  My brother-in-law is a quadripelegic, so physically he is completely different than he was before his spinal injury, but he is still the same person.  I, on the other hand, look the same as I did before my stroke; it is the inside that changed.

So, back to today.  One of my collegues passed away one week ago, and she was a gentle, caring teacher who lived her life following the model of God.  Because she was suffering from stage IV cancer, her honors class that she intended to loop with for a three-year stint was given to me after only a year.  I'm sure this ripped at her heart, and she would come in during my classes with them often.  Even during her chemotherapy, she continued to come to work, because she lived to teach, and loved her job.  Those of you who know me, know I no longer love teaching.  I did, and in theory I still do, but the joy and love of it has long ago left. 

When I attended her service, I listened to the Rabbi and swore I'd model my life after Mrs. S. and show love, love, love, especially to those poor, hurting children I share a building with.  And then, today happened.  Can I use the excuse of my stroke, which is now five years in the past?  Am I grieving my coworkers loss?  Am I just making excuses?  Who am I?  What do I stand for?

Ladies and gentlemen (are there any male readers out there?), is this an e-midlife crisis?  Should I tweet my pre-menopausal angst? 


10/20/23 1:58 PM 
Okay, Update! It is now 9 years later and I had another meltdown and I am now retired. Very much post-menopausal now. My brother-in-law, the quadriplegic, passed away just before the pandemic. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you might miss it.



 

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