6/17/14 2:15 PM I had a minor meltdown at work today where I lost control at a student. Nothing physical, but that sassy - no, rude - child received the full force of my anger. I had a similar moment immediately after I returned to teaching after my stroke, and the scary thing about that craze was the instigating infraction was trivial compared to the diatribe it provoked. I chalked that incident up to what, in essence, was my brain injury. The thing about a stroke is that it changes you; the essence of who you are is your brain, and your brain is not the same after a stroke. My brother-in-law is a quadripelegic, so physically he is completely different than he was before his spinal injury, but he is still the same person. I, on the other hand, look the same as I did before my stroke; it is the inside that changed.
So, back to today. One of my collegues passed away one week ago, and she was a gentle, caring teacher who lived her life following the model of God. Because she was suffering from stage IV cancer, her honors class that she intended to loop with for a three-year stint was given to me after only a year. I'm sure this ripped at her heart, and she would come in during my classes with them often. Even during her chemotherapy, she continued to come to work, because she lived to teach, and loved her job. Those of you who know me, know I no longer love teaching. I did, and in theory I still do, but the joy and love of it has long ago left.
When I attended her service, I listened to the Rabbi and swore I'd model my life after Mrs. S. and show love, love, love, especially to those poor, hurting children I share a building with. And then, today happened. Can I use the excuse of my stroke, which is now five years in the past? Am I grieving my coworkers loss? Am I just making excuses? Who am I? What do I stand for?
Ladies and gentlemen (are there any male readers out there?), is this an e-midlife crisis? Should I tweet my pre-menopausal angst?
10/20/23 1:58 PM
Okay, Update! It is now 9 years later and I had another meltdown and I am now retired. Very much post-menopausal now. My brother-in-law, the quadriplegic, passed away just before the pandemic. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you might miss it.
So, back to today. One of my collegues passed away one week ago, and she was a gentle, caring teacher who lived her life following the model of God. Because she was suffering from stage IV cancer, her honors class that she intended to loop with for a three-year stint was given to me after only a year. I'm sure this ripped at her heart, and she would come in during my classes with them often. Even during her chemotherapy, she continued to come to work, because she lived to teach, and loved her job. Those of you who know me, know I no longer love teaching. I did, and in theory I still do, but the joy and love of it has long ago left.
When I attended her service, I listened to the Rabbi and swore I'd model my life after Mrs. S. and show love, love, love, especially to those poor, hurting children I share a building with. And then, today happened. Can I use the excuse of my stroke, which is now five years in the past? Am I grieving my coworkers loss? Am I just making excuses? Who am I? What do I stand for?
Ladies and gentlemen (are there any male readers out there?), is this an e-midlife crisis? Should I tweet my pre-menopausal angst?
Okay, Update! It is now 9 years later and I had another meltdown and I am now retired. Very much post-menopausal now. My brother-in-law, the quadriplegic, passed away just before the pandemic. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you might miss it.
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