Since I did not marry until I was 38, I've had my share of relationships. Some of my exes I look back upon fondly, and others I do not. When I was analyzing my former loves, I just recently noticed that, for the most part, those that I broke up with are the men I recall warmly, and the ones that dumped me make me sick. When I break up the relationship, do I feel sorry for the poor sod? When I am the blindsided person, do I harbor resentment and channel it into finding fault with him to the point that I cannot stomach the thought of him?
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| Did I really look at him like this? I must have. |
I'm pondering these things because I am breaking up with my husband; he does not want us to part. It sucks to be abandoned; I get that. I am in the contemplative stage of the divorce/separation, and I'm analyzing what I want to accomplish, besides not living with him anymore. Perhaps I am trying to recapture some of the fondness I felt for him. The love I had for him is so far in the past, and so eclipsed by the disdain that we both now feel for eachother, that I can't imagine that I ever felt it. If we break the cycle of petty hatred, could I ever again see him as I once did? Could I pick through the hostility, the slights and the bitterness and keep the good memories? I don't know.
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| It happens. |
One thing that destroyed the marriage is being taken for granted, and this is what made me think of the guys who dumped me. My husband can be gracious and charming, and he was when we first met. This was the man I married. This man still shows himself, but never to me; the beneficiary of his charms are people that he just met. The hopeful part of me wants for us to become strangers again, so that I can see the man I loved once again. But, the rational side of me knows that this will not happen, firstly because we will always need to communicate because we share a child, and also because he will certainly never look back at me fondly. Once you hate someone, is it impossible to like them again? Just like you can't unhit an iceberg, neither can you become unfamiliar once you've married. Any divorces out there? What's the best you can hope for?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through a very tough divorce, with similar issues. Remarkably, we are now the best of friends. It took a lot of time, but the key is I am able to distance myself from many of the issues we had, and that distance makes all the difference. My parents experienced a similar transformation in their relationship after their divorce. They became so amicable, my beloved step-father (who has since passed on) used to call my father his "husband-in-law." I wish all the best. Cheers, Neen
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