Saturday, September 8, 2012

Reasons Kids Should Not Rush into Adulthood

Your parents won't let you stay up late, they don't like your friends, they don't want you texting, they won't let you wear THAT.  God, they're so mean!  It would be great if you were living away from them, then you could do whatever you want.

But, once you are an adult, you can't switch back.  Maybe the fact that you do get to text at all, and that you didn't have to earn the money for the thing they won't let you wear will look like a pretty sweet deal once you get a taste of adult life.  Kids, don't rush being an adult.  Sex, drugs, baby mama drama: there will be plenty of that for the rest of your life.  Enjoy doing kid things.  Play with dolls, play dress up, play house, but for God's sake, don't have kids, dress slutty, or move out on your own until you are educated and employed.

Some reasons that adulthood sucks:

The image of him with scissors up his
nose was deemed less adorable
Hair:  Yes, men and women shave.  But, boys, you should know that you also will be fighting a nose, ear and eyebrow expansion the likes of which you can only imagine.  And girls, there is no end to the places that you will need a hair removal regime.  Eyebrows, underarm and legs are obvious, but other areas of concern include your chin, toes, bikini area, sideburns, your upper lip, the area beneath your belly button, nipples, and depending on your ethnicity anywhere you have a mole, or your arms.

And then there's math, often accompanied by legalese.  Oh, if you think you do too much math now, just wait until you start learning about call margins, mortgage points, APR's, tax brackets and overdrafts.  It may all be mumbo-jumbo to you, but I assure you it's all as mind-numbingly dull while still as dazzlingly complicated as it sounds.  And it is all integral to being an adult.

Smells: from your underarms, from your mouth, from your feet, from your privates.  Adults are not as naturally fresh as kids.  Also, if you, and by this I actually mean you, kiddo, don't take out the garbage, clean up from dinner, scrub the tub, do the laundry, swab the toilet, change the linens, mop the floor, rake the leaves, snake the sink, inventory the refrigerator, and a host of other menial tasks that you think is beneath you right now, well, you'll have a host of other smells as well, none of them good.

Sex: okay, this is a good part of adulthood.  But, there are consequences to sex.  I know you think you have heard it all: disease, unwanted pregnancies, a bad reputation.  The least of these troubles is a bad reputation, but once you get that, you'll be a pariah with the goody-goodies, and your new friends will be all be part of the bad crowd, and the bad crowd has sex, so it won't be long before the other two consequences happen to you.  And I'm sure you think I'm wrong and that it won't happen to you.  It will.  Steer clear of random sex, and be very carefully with whom and how you fornicate.

This is less glamorous when you have to
do it yourself everyday at 5:15 a.m.
Which brings us to babies.  Girls, especially those from homes where there is not enough love, are usually in a rush to start their own families.  The cute little babies will love you unconditionally, or at least that's what you think.  You won't be at all like your parents!  And, how precious are infants?  You cannot wait to have one.  Well, wait.  For the love of God, wait.  First of all, there will always be drama with the father.  Always.  Second of all, babies are outrageously expensive, and require 24 hour care.  Babies don't take holidays.  You will broke and isolated and sleep deprived.  That is the reality.  And, finishing your education will be difficult, if not impossible, so your child will not attend a good school (because that takes cash, or political connections), and your child will meet the wrong types, and your child will hate you.  Sooner than you think.  They grow up so fast, and they get attitudes even faster.  And, you will be exactly like your parents, and you will understand.  And they will refrain from telling you "I told you so", because they love you. 

So, children, enjoy being a child.  It will end all to soon, and you will look back on it as the best part of your life.  Yes, that is correct.  Your life is as good now as it will ever be.  Trust me.


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