Home is Mom

For my 50th birthday, I went back home. Home, to me, had always been Rhode Island. I promised my mother, during this trip, that, "when this divorce finally happens, we will celebrate on Block Island". 

That was five and a half years ago. Two years ago, she got sick, and a year and a half ago she died.

We never made it to Rhode Island. That breaks my heart.

I went back last year to my village in RI, for the first time in 45 years, one year exactly after she passed. It isn't fair. I am still not divorced. That, too, was scheduled for 4 years ago, so 5 years ago, it seemed entirely likely that we would get to take that trip back home together. I had to do it alone, but she was with me. OH! How I wish she could share in my joy in a tangible way! I want her ashes to go to our local swimming hole, where I learned to swim and my sister outsmarted the instructor and didn't learn! She ran to shore to grab the wet sand rather than go under to retrieve it and no one was the wiser. Except Mom, who pointed it out to me. It was funny and I will never forget it. She would call me over often to share in the adorableness of my youngest sister, and I thank her for this. I felt maternal looking at my poor, left behind sister who would pretend to read magazines but upside-down, or make up sad, nay, pitiful songs about being the youngest. Otherwise, I'd always probably just see her as a peer, but I dutifully admired her angel wings and dark (for us) skin like a mother would.

Little sister just came for another Linda emergency (there are many) and is now my confidant. And I love her and marvel at her ability to juggle her life and mine, but she is not a replacement for Jean. My father, forget it! She is smiling, though, Mom is. Because something wonderful is going to happen!

Working in my medium, confusion and misunderstandings, I managed to put together a mini-reunion of my elementary school friends. Personally, my life has been painful and, I know no one reads this, not even worth maintaining at times. My life is on the edge. I  really miss Jean...

But this reunion, and I don't want to put to many expectations on it, is giving me a reason to go on. I knew in my heart for years that I over-romanticized my RI childhood, but now that I've gone back again, I don't think I did!! It truly was special and magical and amazing. But, my real home is now in my heart, where Jean lives. I miss talking with her, but she is inside of me, and we talk all the time. Home is where the heart is, and mine is with her. Love you, Mom...